I Will Be
by Deanie
Summary: This is an older fic. In the aftermath of "Anne," Buffy decides to return to Sunnydale.


SPOILER WARNING: Up through "Anne"  
  
RATING: PG  
  
SUMMARY: What was going through Buffy's mind right before she confronted the demons in the demon dimension?  
  
Disclaimer: Buffy and friends don't belong to me (although if Joss is willing to sell…) They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and the WB television network. I'm just borrowing them for a while…and they'll be returned when I'm done putting them through the emotional wringer. I'm not making any money off of this, so don't sue. No copyright infringement is intended.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: "I Will Be" is sung by Lila McCann on her CD "Something in the Air."  
  
Caught in the downpour of a rain of stones  
  
Felt like an exile in the world I had known  
  
So I sought the shelter of my own soul, stayed inside  
  
I thought my life was hard, that others had it so easy. Other girls got to go to dances and football games. They got to be cheerleaders and May Queens. Other kids got to live lives of blissful innocence, ignorant of the danger that surrounded them. Not me. I got to go to the graveyard every night to face deadly peril, even though I didn't want the responsibility. I never wanted the burden of saving the world. It wasn't fair that destiny picked me to be the Slayer. I didn't ask for the job -- all I wanted was a normal life. But all the problems I had ever had before were nothing compared to what lied ahead. I didn't know how difficult life could be until that fateful night. I never knew I had so much to lose.  
  
I didn't really like school - what teenager does? Okay, maybe Willow, but she was a rare exception. The teachers didn't remember my name, and those who did only remembered because I failed tests or skipped classes. My classmates mostly ignored me, down here at the bottom of the social ladder, except for the occasional taunt from one of the Cordettes. Principal Snyder was always on my case, watching me, waiting for me to make a mistake. He was just waiting for the moment he could evict me from campus. But that didn't mean I wanted to leave forever. I didn't really have much of a future and wasn't likely to have a great career or anything -- I was hoping to at least finish high school. But I got kicked out -- expelled -- by a gleeful Snyder. And now I couldn't go back.  
  
After spending three years hiding my secret identity from my mom, it felt kind of good to get it in the open. Maybe now she could understand why I snuck out in the middle of the night. Why I rarely studied and ended up doing so poorly in school. Why I warned her away from Angel after he turned. Why I burned down the Hemery gym and got kicked out of school. I knew it was a lot to throw at her at once, but she was strong. I thought she'd deal. I never thought she'd give me an ultimatum. I wanted to stay, I really wanted to. I wanted to tell he about my life as a Slayer, how hard it was to go out, night after night and patrol the graveyard. How difficult it was for me to stay vigilant with the emotional trauma of the last few months. I wanted to tell her how horrible it was to love someone, to love Angel, and to know that I was the one responsible for him losing his soul. I was the one responsible for Jenny's death. First, because I changed Angel, and second, because I couldn't kill him. I wanted to tell my mom about all these feelings inside of me. All the love and hate and fear and determination and pain and sorrow and triumph…Most of all, I wanted to throw myself into her arms like I did when I was little, when all it took was a hug and a nightlight to make the monsters go away. But I couldn't stay and explain, no matter how much I wanted to. I had to go, had to stop Angel from awakening Acathla and sucking the world into Hell. And in walking out that door to face my destiny, I lost her. I lost what was left of my broken family. And now I couldn't go back.  
  
All this time Xander was right. I should have killed Angel weeks ago, long before he had the chance to kill anyone. But I couldn't. I loved him so much, more than I could ever hope to love anyone else. I didn't know how to go on alone without him. So I spared Angel's life in the hope I could find a way to bring him back to me. And in doing so, Ms. Calendar died. Her death was my fault. I failed her, and I failed Giles. My selfishness took away the person he loved most. And even after that, still I tried to get Angel back. I had Willow do the curse, seemingly because I could fail in killing Angel. But really all I wanted was him back. Nothing else mattered if we could be together. So Willow tried the curse and ended up in a coma.  
  
Xander and Cordy could have died, too, and Giles was kidnapped and tortured. All because I was too selfish to let Angel go and destroy the demon he had become. I sacrificed my friends for my own happiness. How could any of them ever forgive me? So now I shouldn't go back.  
  
I knew that loving Angel would never be easy, but I never dreamed it could be so hard. All I wanted was to love him, and have him love me. Simple, right? But the act of showing him my love took away his soul, turned him into a monster once again. But still, all I wanted was him -- and finally, I got him back. He was there, standing in front of me, my Angel once again. Holding me so tightly, like I was the only thing in the world he needed. His hands were shaking as he held me, his voice a whisper as he said my name. He was there, unthreatening, just loving me - and I killed him. I pierced his body with my sword and sent him to Hell. I condemned my true love to eternal torment. And I will never get him back.  
  
So I left. I left Sunnydale, trying to put some distance between me and the pain, trying to outrun my memories. But it didn't work.  
  
I spent all summer trying to deny who I was, to be someone else, "Anne," just a simple waitress with an ordinary life. I tried not to think about how I had failed in my duty and hurt everyone I loved. My family and friends were better off without me. Angel certainly would have been better off he had never met me.  
  
So I tried to deny who I was. I couldn't do anything right, not anymore. Then Lily came to me, needing my help. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to have to help her. I wanted to stay here, in my so-called normal life, trying to forget. But I couldn't let her suffer, couldn't see her in misery. So I helped her. And I ended up in Hell.  
  
A funny thing happened when I was down there, in the demon dimension. When the demon soldiers were intimidating all of the runaways, torturing them, brainwashing them to think they were no one. That was what I had been trying to accomplish with "Anne," to be no one. Not the chosen one, but no one, to stop the pain by not feeling anything. But when they tried to force me to say I was no one, even if that had been what I wanted, I couldn't do it. Deep in my soul, I know I'm someone. I'm Buffy Anne Summers. I'm seventeen years old. And I'm the Vampire Slayer.  
  
So I attacked. And I took out all of the pain, the frustration, the anger and the anguish out on those Hell demons. I was possessed by my feelings, driven by the emotional pain.  
  
And I learned. I can't be no one, can't slip into blissful anonymity. I am who I am, and no amount of wishing is going to change that. And maybe I don't want to.  
  
So I decided to go back to Sunnydale, to face my past and prepare for the future. I didn't know how I was going to do it. My spirit had been battered down. I wasn't that strong, not yet. I didn't know how to face my friends, my family. I didn't know how to explain what I felt and why I had to run.  
  
But I had to go back, to keep on going, facing my fears and following my destiny. Because I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, and I have a lot of work left to do.  
  
I will be here, I will be strong  
  
I'll face my fears when the night is long  
  
And still go on  
  
I will be brave, I will be bold  
  
Follow my faith to a higher road  
  
And I'm not there yet  
  
But I will be 


End file.
